The elves are inside. The reindeer are...

The elves are inside. The reindeer are waiting outside. The sleigh is loaded with gifts behind the reindeer.

JINGLE

Jangle, did you weigh all the gifts?

JANGLE

I sure did, Jingle.

JINGLE

We need to load balance the sleigh and do some flight tests with the reindeer.

JANGLE

What for?

JINGLE

Mrs. Claus says that the reindeer look like they’re out of shape. She’s concerned they’re not going to be able to pull the sleigh.

JANGLE

Why would she think that?

JINGLE

She says they’ve been spending too much time eating junk food and playing video games.

ELF

Come to think of it, I know the reindeer have been spending a lot of time lounging around in the barn.

ELF

It’s hard to fool that Mrs. Claus.

ELF

Although we try.

(The elves slap their knees and chuckle as they go outside.)

ELF

OK. Listen up! Roll call!

ELF

When you hear your name, respond with a neigh.

REINDEER

Neigh? That’s for horses.

ELF

(The Elf shrugs.)

Then give me an “Aye.”

REINDEER

We’re reindeer.

ELF

Well, what do reindeer say?

(The reindeer look at each other.)

REINDEER

No one has ever asked us that before.

(The reindeer shrug.)

REINDEER

OK. We’ll give you an “Aye.”

ELF

Good. Now once again. When you hear your name, respond with an “Aye.” Dasher.

DASHER

Aye!

ELF

Dancer.

DANCER

Aye!

ELF

Prancer.

PRANCER

Aye!

ELF

Vixen.

VIXEN

Aye!

ELF

Comet.

COMET

Aye!

ELF

Cupid.

CUPID

Aye!

ELF

Donner.

DONNER

Aye!

ELF

Blitzen.

(Silence.)

Blitzen?

ELF

Has anyone seen Blitzen?

REINDEER

I passed him by the vending machine.

REINDEER

The chips he’d selected hadn’t come out.

REINDEER

I saw him shaking the machine.

REINDEER

To get the chips out.

(Blitzen appears with an armful of snacks.)

ELF

Blitzen?

BLITZEN

Look what I got!

ELF

Where did all that junk food come from?

BLITZEN

It fell out when I tipped the vending machine over. Isn’t this great?

(The reindeer swarm around Blitzen.)

REINDEER

What a windfall!

REINDEER

Are you going to share some of that?

REINDEER

Yeah. We haven’t had any chips since yesterday.

REINDEER

Do I see chocolate in there too?

ELF

(Whispering to another elf.)

I don’t see Blitzen “blitzing” anywhere.

ELF

So much for giving the reindeer a carrot on a stick. We’ll need to put a chip on a stick to get them moving.

ELF

(Whistling loudly to get their attention.)

OK. Listen up! That’s enough. Put the snacks away.

ELF

We need to get this test flight finished before Mrs. Claus gets here.

ELF

Yeah. We think she’s lost faith in you.

ELF

That’s why she has insisted on a test flight.

ELF

So, let’s get moving.

ELF

Or flying as the case may be.

ELF

Now buckle up!

(The reindeer get in formation and harness themselves to the sleigh.)

ELF

All right. When you hear the beep, that’s when my stopwatch will start ticking.

ELF

You need to fly four laps around the North Pole.

ELF

We’ll extrapolate from there to estimate how long it’ll take to make all of Santa’s deliveries.

(The reindeer look at each other.)

ELF

On your mark. Get set. Go!

(A beep sounds. The reindeer jump up and land with a thud.)

ELF

I said “Go!”

(The reindeer jump up and land again with a thud.)

ELF

What’s the matter?

ELF

Have you all lost your mojo?

REINDEER

It’s the load.

REINDEER

It’s way heavier than last year.

REINDEER

Yeah. That’s it.

ELF

You think?

REINDEER

Oh, definitely.

REINDEER

For sure.

ELF

That’s odd. When I was pulling up our files, I thought the load was about the same weight as last year.

REINDEER

No way.

REINDEER

Couldn’t be.

REINDEER

Must have been a typo in your records.

REINDEER

Yeah.

REINDEER

For certain.

(The elves step off to the side and whisper to each other.)

ELF

What are we gonna do?

ELF

The reindeer are totally out of shape. They’re just flopping around on the ground.

JINGLE

Do you have those Naughty and Nice lists?

JANGLE

What for?

JINGLE

I’m just going to make a few modifications.

(Jingle takes the lists from Jangle and crosses out a name.)

Alice Williams. Dollhouse. That’s a big, heavy gift. We’ll just put her on the Naughty list.

JANGLE

Wait a minute. You can’t do that!

JINGLE

Look, we have to lighten the load. We just need to move the kids who asked for weighty items from the Nice to the Naughty list.

(Jingle crosses out a few more names.)

JANGLE

That’s not fair.

JINGLE

Do you have a better idea?

JANGLE

Well, no, but . . .

JINGLE

The reindeer have to be able to fly this sleigh, so we need to reduce the weight.

JANGLE

What’ll Santa say when he finds out about this?

JINGLE

Look. We make a few changes. Then we give Santa back new Naughty and Nice lists . . . He’ll never know the difference unless someone tells him.

(Jingle winks.)

JANGLE

I have a bad feeling about this.

JINGLE

This is a crisis situation.

JANGLE

But those kids you crossed out were so deserving. They’ll stop believing in Santa Claus if we don’t come through for them.

JINGLE

(Shrugs.)

We’ll lose a few customers, sure. But we need to salvage what we can of this operation. Otherwise, all will be lost.

JANGLE

That sounds so cold-hearted.

JINGLE

It comes from living up here in the North Pole for so long.

JANGLE

But Santa already replied to all of these children. Santa made a promise!

JINGLE

We’ll just have to send out some correction notices. It’s no big deal. We tell a few kids that we made a mistake and accidentally put them on the wrong list.

JANGLE

They’ll be crushed.

JINGLE

Eh. We’ll tell them to keep their chin up and to try again next year.

JANGLE

But won’t these mistakes ruin Santa’s reputation?

JINGLE

We’ll bury any bad reviews that Santa gets by churning out a bunch of fake good reports online.

JANGLE

You and your ideas.

JINGLE

Yeah. I’m really on a roll now. My creative spirit has been unleashed.

JANGLE

(Muttering.)

More like your evil spirit if you ask me.

JINGLE

What’s that you said?

JANGLE

Nothing. Never mind.

JINGLE

Then go out and lighten the load while I work on the retraction letters. Quick! We’re running out of time.

(Jangle hesitates.)

Have I ever steered you wrong?

JANGLE

Uh . . . uh . . .

JINGLE

Follow my lead, and you’ll go far.

JANGLE

Uh . . . thanks. I guess.

JINGLE

No need to thank me. I’m just looking out for you.

JANGLE

Uh . . .

JINGLE

Well, don’t just stand there. Get moving!

For licensing inquiries, please contact [email protected]