DEACON 1 Ah, Sexton, so nice of you to...
Overview
- Female: 0
- Male: 2
Context
The two church deacons are fretting about a meeting with the church sexton, Gabriel Grub, called to tell him he will not be receiving a Christmas bonus due to his rude and insulting treatment of church parishioners.
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DEACON 1
Ah, Sexton, so nice of you to drop by.
GRUB (irritated)
I didn't "drop by," I were told to be here. Now say your say.
DEACON 1 (nervous, clears throat)
Yes, well, as you know, it's customary for the deacons to distribute gifts to the staff at Christmas...
GRUB (excitedly)
You've got some money for me?
DEACON 1 (slowly)
But it is with regret that we must inform you...
DEACON 2 (angrily)
You're not getting any money this year!
(Grub bristles.)
GRUB (angrily)
Hey, what are you trying to pull?! The church baskets have been brimming over of late!
DEACON 1
Money's not the problem.
GRUB (threateningly)
Then what is?!
DEACON 1 (cowed)
The problem, Sexton...
DEACON 2 (pointing to Grub)
Is you!
(Grub bangs fist on table. Deacon 2 yelps, jumps behind Deacon 1.)
GRUB
I'm a problem?!
DEACON 1
There've been complaints. Parishioners are upset. They say you're rude, ill-mannered, and insist on telling them what's what and who's who.
GRUB (pauses)
So?
DEACON 2 (cowering behind DEACON 1)
So we've looked into it and believe the complaints are merited. This is not something we can ignore.
DEACON 1
There are grounds for dismissal, but in the spirit of the season, we wish to be charitable and are allowing you to retain your position with the parish. You must understand, though, that incivility will not be tolerated.
GRUB (sarcastically)
I get no money, but I can keep digging holes for your stiffs...I oughta kiss your feet out of gratitude!
(Sinister laugh)
(Turns to leave.)
DEACON 2
Do remember, Sexton, there's a grave needed for the day after Christmas.
GRUB (snaps back, threateningly)
I DON'T NEED YER REMINDIN'!
(Deacons flinch.)
DEACON 1
Ahem, then I think we're finished here. Is there anything else you wish to say?
(Grub spins around, leans over the table.)
GRUB
There is...you and Friar Tuck here, are asses!
DEACON 1
Mr. Grub!
(Grub stomps to the back of the room.)
DEACON 2 (emerging from behind Deacon 1, yells at Grub)
I am a deacon, not a friar!
AND YOU'RE PAST DUE FOR AN EXORCISM!
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