Actor: What’s going on!?! Director: G...

Actor: What’s going on!?!

Director: Get out of the way! I have a present for you.

The Director throws a MAN in the apartment. The man falls to the floor. He is bound at the wrists and draped in a hood.

Director: (cont’d) Here.

Actor: Whoa! Jesus!

Director: No. It’s just a man, I’m afraid. A German man, I think. I found him at the International Arrivals terminal. Merry Christmas.

German: Frohliche Weihnachten.

Actor: Who is this?

Director: He’s my gift to you.

Actor: You are weird, man. What is some German dude doing in this apartment?

Director: The better question is, “What are you doing in this apartment?” The lighting is dreadful. It does you no favors. What’s your rent like? I’m sure you’re overpaying for location–

Actor: You’re always evadi... Okay. Okay. Just, I’m gonna just breathe a second.

The Actor moves to the mirror and breathes three times slowly as he watches himself.

Actor: (cont’d) Better.

Director: Good.

Actor: Please. Please explain why this dude is on my floor.

Director: Because he’s too tired to stand, I think.

Actor: Stop playing.

Director: Because you need practice. Did you think there was a chance in hell I’d let you go up there on the day and try to do this for the very first time? You’re going to have to get your reps in. Your abs are telling me that you understand the analogy. Or did they just wink? I think I’m blushing.

Actor: My reps?

German: Wird jemand löse mich, bitte?

Director: Shut up. (to Actor) You think you don’t need to practice? Your craft has been perfected? Okay. Here’s a person. Be him. (beat) Do it. Now.

Actor: I... whoa! Whoa. I can’t do that. You can’t just... put me on the spot or something. I have to prepare.

Director: “I have to prepare.” He has to prepare.

Actor: And what am I gonna do with... this? I can’t take care of a guy. Someone else. He definitely can’t stay here.

Director: Well he’s going to.

Actor: No. I can’t... I can’t feed him. I don’t have any food.

Director: You’ll figure something out. Or he’ll die. Either way it’ll be fine.

Actor: It won’t be fine. You gotta get him outta here. And I can’t accept gifts from you. I have a contract. I have an agent. If you’re giving this to me, a gift, as some sort of compensation for... How am I supposed to give my agent 10% of a dude?

Director: A German guy.

Actor: That too. Man... a man. And did you just kidnap him? Or something? Isn’t that dangerous?

Director: Certainly. That’s why I have this.

The Director pulls a long heavy Dirty Harry-style pistol out of his pants.

Actor: This is too much, man! I’m not ready for this!

The Actor storms into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

Director: It’s a terrible habit you have, running off to the loo. I can’t even guarantee we’ll have one on the day.

Actor: (off-stage) I’m gonna have to go a whole day without a bathroom?

Director: Or longer. Have you ever tried literally tying a knot in it? It’s time intensive but there are some incredible side-effects.

There is a knock at the door.

Director: Phooey! I thought a few cops might’ve followed. Good thing I brought the gun.

The Actor opens the bathroom door.

Actor: Police?

Director: Well yes, dear. Hostage situations are often taken quite seriously. Especially at airports.

Frohliche Weihnachten was developed with The CRY HAVOC Company

For licensing inquiries, please contact [email protected]