SURGEON What are you doing? I need that...

Do-It-Yourself Heart Surgery

Ray Surgeon Nurses

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SURGEON What are you doing? I need that.

RAY (holds scalpel toward chest) I’m going to perform the operation myself.

SURGEON Yourself? You can’t do that. You’ll bleed to death.

RAY Better now than for years to come! How much more will it cost if I lie down and do it?

FEMALE NURSE I don’t know. We don’t have any experience in self-surgery.

SURGEON I’m the only one in this room with a license to perform a heart operation.

RAY But I can’t pay for it without wrecking my life. Either I operate or I die!

SURGEON (to male nurse) Call security.

MALE NURSE Yes, Doctor Johnson.

RAY Don’t do that! I can’t wait. I need to operate now.

(staggers a bit)

What if I just have angioplasty?

SURGEON You need a quadruple bypass.

RAY What about if I only have a double? Can I save half?

SURGEON

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