TIM, 23 A humble, nerdish singing movie theatre worker
ABBY, 25 A content, a little out there movie buff.
TIME
The present, late evening
PLACE
A refurbished movie theatre. Every town has one. I think of the Kimo theatre in Albuquerque NM, Pulaski Theatre in Pulaski VA or the Byrd Theatre in Richmond VA. Unlike the big AMC or Regal theatres, these places hold a sense of community, wonder and probably a few ghosts tucked in between the curtains.
Note: This script contains occasional profanity.
Editor's Note: This is the original script, as shared by the author.
SETTING: In the seats of a movie theatre. There is a scrim behind projecting fuzzy clips of the 1940 film “The Philadelphia Story.”
AT RISE: ABBY is sitting in theatre quietly eating popcorn.
(TIM enters with a bottle of hand sanitizer strapped to his belt in a holster. He’s vigorously sweeping. He stops, sees the audience. Tosses the broom away, sanitizes his hands. A guitar is thrown to him from OS. He catches it and begins to serenade)
TIM (SINGING)
It was a quiet night at the movies
Just a quiet night at the movies
Another quiet night at the movies
The popcorn machine was poppin’
Little kids were screamin’
The previews were way too long
Just a quiet night at the movies when then... it all went wrong!
(Sounds of panic and chaos ensue. Including a Wilhelm Scream, some blaster gun effects and chickens. TIM continues)
There was panic and confusion!
Some old lady punched an usher!
A kid tried to knee me in the unmentionables!
I guess this is how armageddon begins!
It was a quiet night at the movies
Just a quiet night at the movies
A quiet night at the movies
When everyone lost their fuckin’ minds!
(Breakdown)
Then all of sudden the theatre was empty
Some jagoff spilled threw a bucket of popcorn
Someone left their jacket I might just take that
Even though it’s chartreuse and too small
Then all of a sudden I saw this woman
Alone and patient as a sunset
Never moving just staring
And that’s where our story begins..
(TIM hands off the guitar to OS)
TIM
H-hey! Hey lady! Lady!
ABBY
Shh! This is my favorite part!
TIM
What?!
ABBY
Yknow they said that Cary Grant improvised this tiny moment and they liked it so much they kept it in. See! That’s Stewart’s actual reaction in real time.
TIM
Hey lady, I dunno if you remember five minutes ago but there’s a freakin Apocalypse goin’ on!! See!
(TIM sanitizes his hands again and pulls out his phone. Taps it and turns up the volume. Sounds of panic and chaos play from his phone. He then stops it)
TIM
That’s live from the Buddhist Temple!
(ABBY continues munching on popcorn)
ABBY
You packin’?
TIM
Oh yeah, work issued sanitizer. Kills germs at point blank range.
ABBY Yeah? I brought some of that too.
(ABBY takes out a flask and takes a long swig)
TIM
Holy
ABBY
Kiling germs from the inside! Just doing my part. Sit down?
TIM
Actually I gotta’ ask you to leave otherwise, boss’ll
ABBY
Where’s your Boss now?
TIM
According to her instagram story she just got done stuffing her grandma’s bomb shelter with toilet paper and is currently drinking a value bottle of Rose’ with her schnauzer named Tinkles.
ABBY
Soooo sit down uh Mr. Sanitizer slinger
TIM
Tim.
ABBY
Tim, Abby
(ABBY stretches out her hand. TIM is hesitant)
ABBY
Oh my bad.
(TIM takes a seat decently far from her)
ABBY
Hyper vigilance bro.
(They both take a few minutes and stare up at the screen)
TIM
What’s the story?
ABBY
The Philadelphia Story!
TIM
Well yea I know, I put up the marquee.
ABBY
So Katherine Hepburn used to be married to Cary, but then they hated each other. So then she’s getting married again. Cary sicks these gossip column hounds including the fine upstanding and lanky Jimmy Stewart on her to fuck with her. Basically resulting in a nutty love triangle between her Cary Grant, James Stewart and her fiance’.
TIM
Damn and they say Tarantino’s convoluted.
ABBY
But it takes all that tomfoolery and fuckery for them to realize.. They loved each other all along and they get remarried.
TIM
Spoilers much!?
ABBY
Can see it coming.
(Beat. ABBY offers TIM popcorn)
ABBY
Just kidding!
(TIM sanitizes anyway)
ABBY
What do you do when you’re not a popcorn machine jockey?
TIM
Well, I like to burst out into song and narrate stuff on guitar.
(TIM pulls out a guitar from behind the chair and strums)
TIM (singing)
Kinda’ like thiiiis.
ABBY
How’s that working out?
TIM
Well, I’ve got three emails from my phone from the only three venues in town. Probably with the same red lettering and five densely packed paragraphs.
ABBY
Who’da thought bringing people together’d be so dangerous?
TIM
I mean mighta’ known.
(TIM begins to play “Can’t get Enough of Your Love, Babe”)
TIM
I’ve heard it said that too much of anything is
ABBY
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Copyright!
TIM
Shit you’re right.
(Beat. They look back at the screen)
TIM
Whatever happened to the Trans-Atlantic accent?
ABBY
Died out.
TIM
Ah.
(Beat)
TIM
Y'know there was supposed to be this indie film festival that got completely fucked. I mean flights, airbnbs, half of the-
(ABBY takes a giant swig of her flask)
TIM
Were you part of it?
(ABBY nods with a mouth full of vodka and then takes a giant gulp and belches)
ABBY
Good burn.
TIM What was your film?
ABBY
It was just a bunch of footage from a cross country trip my friends and I took last summer. No real narrative.
TIM
Yeah?
ABBY Yep couldn’t backpack Europe so decided to go around this giant chicken shaped country instead. Back then you could put your face on anything you wanted.
TIM
Uh not sure that’s.. What was the title?
ABBY
“Passing Frames.” How cheeseball is that?
TIM
Yknow we probably got it up in the booth weABBY Nononono! I want see this ending first!
TIM
Ok.
(Beat.)
TIM
Man. Iconic.
ABBY
See. Even though a bunch of bullshit happened. It turned out ok.
TIM
Yeah.
(Scrim goes blank. TIM waves to the projector room)
TIM
Hey Eddie! Eddie!
(Scrim comes up with blurred images and some rather suggestive sounds start playing.)
TIM
No! No! Eddie! Not now! Stop!
(Scrim goes blank. ABBY looks like lightly traumatized)
TIM
Eddie! Right drawer! Blue flash drive! Passing Frames!
(SCRIM comes alive with colorful blurs)
ABBY
Doh shit!
TIM
Does he have a trash can on his head?
ABBY
Wild night. That’s in Hannibal Missouri. Home of Mark Twain. They won’t let you forget it.
TIM
Uhm. If you don’t mind me asking why aren’t you all-
(TIM takes out his phone and taps it. Sounds of mass panic come through again. He turns it off.)
ABBY
Buddhist temple?
TIM
Nope. A convent.
ABBY
Well. In the midst of the chaos with everyone chucking their popcorn or their first born, whichever was closest, I just realized something.. Like a moment of divine clarity..Dude..I’m good. Like I’ve done enough .. I made that(pointing to the screen) To be honest, if this is the end. No more pressure to be anything, don’t have to pay back my student loans, just free to be..
TIM
But what if it all blows ov..
ABBY
Shh!
TIM
I’m just sayin..
ABBY
Shhhhhhh!
TIM
Might take a few..
ABBY
Shhhhhhhhh!
TIM
Would you stop!
ABBY
Make me! Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-nuh! Can’t touch this!
TIM
Damn it!
ABBY
Hey if it all blows over life gets back to an even shittier cycle.
(ABBY takes another swig)
ABBY
Ah good ol’ Red Sun limited edition.
TIM (staring at the screen)
Whoa.
ABBY
Minnesota ‘dere.
TIM
So you got no hope?
(ABBY rattles her flask and listens)
ABBY
About two fingers worth.
TIM
I mean you can’t just give up!
(ABBY mimes putting her arm around TIM and leaning quite convincingly)
TIM
What’re you doing?
ABBY
Giving you practical advice at a safe distance.
TIM
Oh nice!
ABBY
Studied mime. Anyways, Tim. Tim Tam. Timothy. Timthology. Timmeranian.
TIM (singing with guitar)
Get to the point.
ABBY
Ok, ok.. The world is shitty. We knew that. But we didn’t realize how shitty until-
(ABBY then breaks out laughing pointing at the screen)
TIM
What?
ABBY That was the time Frank blew milkshake out of his nose! Classic! Dude, I don’t feel so. Whoa! Rose bud.. Lite!
(ABBY passes out. TIM looks at her then the audience.Then proceeds to cover his bare arms, face and neck with hand sanitizer.)
TIM
Up! Up! And awayyyyy!
(TIM charges in and hoists ABBY back up on a chair. TIM takes the flask from her)
TIM
I’ll take that miss. You ok?
ABBY
That was a meadow between Kansas and Oklahoma. There was just nothing. And nothing. And nothing.
(ABBY passes out again in the chair)
TIM
There you have it folks.
(TIM goes back at to the guitar strums softly)
TIM
It was a quiet night at the movies
TIM’s Phone
Another quiet night at the movies.
(TIM pulls out his phone)
TIM
Oh hi mom!
(He places his phone on an arm rest he and his mom sing together)
TIM & MOM
It was a quiet night at the movies
A little ol’ quiet night at the movies.
Just a quiet night at the movies
And I think..
We’re all gonna’ die
(Blackout)
Quiet Night at the movies (same for reprise)
(Slow acoustic)
C F
It was a quiet night at the movies
C F
Just a quiet night at the movies
C F
Another quiet night at the movies
D
The popcorn machine was poppin’
G
Little kids were screamin’
F C
The previews were way too long
C F G F C
Just a quiet night at the movies when then... it all went wrong!
(Punk tempo)
C F
There was panic and confusion!
C F
Some old lady punched an usher!
C F
Kid tried to knee me in the glanular!
G F C
I guess this is how armageddon begins!
C F
It was a quiet night at the movies
C F
Just a quiet night at the movies
C F
A fucking quiet night at the movies
G F C
When everyone lost their fuckin’ minds!
(Breakdown)
C F
Then all of sudden the theatre was empty
C F
Buckets of popcorn strewn all about
C F
Someone left their jacket I might just take that
G F C
Even though it’s chartreuse and too small
C F
Then all of a sudden I saw this woman
C F
As patient and lonely as a sunset
C F
Never moving only staring
G F C
And that’s where our story begins..
Kinda like this
Dmaj Gmaj
Kinda like This
Get to the Point
D C# C B
Get to the point
