Editor's Note: This is the original script, as shared by the author.
An empty stage with a chair center. On the chair is a student’s backpack.
After a beat EVE enters. She opens the backpack and searches until she recovers a bottle of hand sanitizer. She pumps some on her hand and rubs it in. Then she pumps more on her hand and applies it to the straps and zipper of the backpack.
ADAM enters. Stops at a distance.
ADAM
I’ve gotta close the place up.
EVE
(Startled) Who?! Oh, hi. That’s okay. I’m just giving it a last look before I take off.
ADAM
How are you?
EVE
Fine?
ADAM
No. I mean really. How are you?
EVE
No sniffles. No headache. No fever. You?
ADAM
Same. Washing my hands often. Going home?
EVE
Isn’t everybody? You?
ADAM
I can’t get there without flying. And I can’t afford that on a GA Stipend. So I’ll hole up in my garret.
EVE
Very Bohemian. (Beat) You just came through the door. Touch the handle?
ADAM
Um . . . yeah.
EVE
You need to sanitize.
ADAM
Right. Do you have any?
EVE
Yeah. Here. No wait! Six feet apart.
ADAM
Okay. Toss the bottle.
EVE
(Considering this) Are you gonna catch it?
ADAM
Of course.
EVE
But what if you don’t?
ADAM
Then it will fall on the floor and I’ll pick it up.
EVE
But then it’ll be contaminated, won’t it?
ADAM
From the floor?
EVE
Someone sneezes outside. You walk through that sneeze spot. Now you have virus on your shoes and you walk in here and contaminate my sanitizer bottle!
ADAM
I’ll pick it up real quick! Five second rule.
EVE
You really believe in that? We’re not in fun-time now.
ADAM
I’ll catch it.
EVE
But what if you don’t? Do you know how hard it is to get hold of this?
ADAM
Of course I know! EVERYONE knows. (Beat) What do you suggest?
EVE
Do you really need it?
ADAM
No. I was just gonna take a hit so I can lick my hand and get a jolt. Of course I need it.
EVE
Why don’t you have your own?
ADAM
It’s . . . never mind. Just hog it.
EVE
No. Why don’t you have any?
ADAM
You’ll think I’m bragging.
EVE
Tell me.
ADAM
A mother was trying to spit-clean wash her little girl on the street. I gave the last of mine to her so she could do a better job. I told her to keep it. I’ll get some more.
EVE
Where?
ADAM
I know a friend who has some. Right?
EVE
Okay. Stick out your hand. But keep away!
ADAM extends his hand. HE and EVE circle trying to connect without success.
ADAM begins singing the refrain from Bizet’s Toreador Song.
ADAM
Toreador, be on your guard!
You are a king,
Yours is the ring!
He makes several passes as the bull, holding his hands in front of him like horns. EVE joins the dance, using the sanitizer bottle as if it were a cape.
ADAM
And when you have won your sweet reward,
Your sweet reward,
With your sword!
She reaches into her backpack and takes out a rose which she clamps in her teeth as she dances.
She ends the dance when she triumphantly stabs down with the sanitizer of the quickly passing hand as ADAM ends his pass a full six feet away.
ADAM
Tada!
EVE
Ole!
Enter OLLIE and VIOLET running. He is clutching a roll of toilet paper.
OLLIE
Get off me! Quit chasing me!
VIOLET
Give me that you thief!
OLLIE
You have a whole case of paper!
VIOLET
And I’m keeping it! This place has four rest rooms! Now give it!
OLLIE
Nobody’s going to be using them. The whole campus is closing!
VIOLET
I’m responsible for that toilet paper. It’s mine!
OLLIE
I pay tuition. I bought this ass-wipe!
OLLIE stumbles and the toilet paper rolls to the center of the stage.
ALL FOUR freeze for a beat and then all make a lunge to grab it.
EVE’s shout stops them.
EVE
Distance! Social Distancing!
ADAM
Six feet!
VIOLET
Okay, okay. Relax. I’m just going to pick this up.
OLLIE
(Menacing) You do and I’ll cough on you. I mean it. I can do it!
VIOLET
Deep breath. Calm. Easy. (Beat) You okay.
EVE
Better. Sorry. Kinda on edge.
VIOLET
We all are.
OLLIE
Everybody out there is freaking out. I am too. I just want to make sure I can make it through tonight. So let me have the fucking toilet paper.
VIOLET
What a first-world problem. People are dying and you’re all het up over wiping your bum.
ADAM
This is ridiculous. I have to turn out the lights and lock the doors. So you (indicated OLLIE). Take it and leave. You (indicates VIOLET). Go do . . . whatever you have to do to close this place down. And you (indicates EVE). Just leave.
OLLIE, VIOLET and EVE inch closer to the roll of Paper.
ADAM sneezes. ALL react violently, talking over each other.
EVE
Aargh!
VIOLET
Virus! All over the place!
OLLIE
What the f#@k, man!
EVE
You didn’t even cover your mouth.
VIOLET
It’s all over the floor!
EVE
A sneeze can cover an area the size of a small room!
OLLIE
I gotta get out of here!
ADAM
It’s allergies!
OLLIE
You’re trying to kill all of us, man!
VIOLET
Come back here with that toilet paper!
OLLIE and VIOLET exit running.
EVE
I can’t believe . . .
ADAN
I’m sensitive to dust! I sneeze every time I step on this stage.
EVE
Do you have a fever?
ADAM
No. No sniffles. No headache. No fever.
EVE
You’re not lying? You’re sure?
ADAM
I’m positive.
EVE
You’re positive! You tested positive?
ADAM
No! Not positive.
EVE
You said positive.
ADAM
I haven’t been tested! I mean . . I’m positive I’m not positive! No, I’m CERTAIN I am not . . . just take a deep breath,
EVE
And inhale the virus?
ADAM
If the virus is in the air, you’ve already taken it in.
EVE
I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop breathing. And I can’t stop worrying. And I can’t . .
ADAM
None of us can.
EVE
It’s really an absurd situation.
ADAM
It’s . . .
EVE
It’s absurd. Nothing I do is going to make any difference. If I act or don’t act the final result is the same. People get sick.
ADAM
Nothing you can do.
EVE
So I have to do something.
ADAM
Why?
EVE
To prove I’m human? I don’t know. (Picks up the bottle of sanitizer) Here. Want another spritz?
ADAM
From six feet?
EVE
(Coming to him) I’m human. In general I’m gonna be careful, but . . . here.
ADAM
Thanks. I have to get out the ghost-light and shut the place down.
EVE
Why even bother with the ghost-light? No one will be coming in here for weeks. Maybe months.
ADAM
And when they do the light will be on.
EVE
A ray of hope?
ADAM
Light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe. It’s something.
EVE
And even if it doesn’t matter, you have to do something.
ADAM
Right.
ADAM moves the ghost-light center stage and plugs it in.
EVE and ADAM look at it for a beat. EVE puts her backpack on her shoulder.
EVE
Well . . .
ADAM
Yeah.
EVE
Shall we go?
ADAM
Yeah. Let’s go.
THEY don’t leave.
CURTAIN
