JAKE, 16, A southern boy through and through with an innate sensitivity.
THOMAS, A man sized, overall wearing, banjo playing turkey. Figment of Jake’s imagination
TERRY, 20 JAKE’s sister. Tough skinned and honest.
TIME
Modern times. Early morning
PLACE
A cabin up in the Blue Ridge. It's quiet, peaceful. At least it should be.
NOTES
Gun safety should be adhered to. This isn’t meant to make fun of Southern culture. It should be played with an appreciation of its humor, warmth, wildness and repression.
“Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.” -Johnny Cash
Note: This play contains strong language.
Editor's Note: This is the original script, as shared by the author.
SETTING: Early morning. The cabin’s porch sits center. Two rocking chairs are gathered around a homemade fire pit.
AT RISE: THOMAS is in one of the rocking chairs with his banjo strumming away.
THOMAS singing
High on the mountain..
Lo wind blowin’ free..
JAKE enters with his breakfast of fried eggs and sits in the other chair
Thinkin’ ‘bout the day that used to be
High on the mountain standin’ all alone
Wondering where the days of my life had flown…
THOMAS continues riffing around but not making an actual song
JAKE munching
Know when I was about 11. Dad tried to teach me how to ride a lawn mower. One of those rickety death traps. Not the kind that kinda’ look like a race car. Well.. I got on there.. Pair of my mom’s garden gloves. Boots too big. A Miami Dolphins cap of all things. And it got so shaky. Rattling and cuttin’, ratllin’ n cuttin’, it was like… God reached out to me from the heavens, picked me up and…
JAKE puts his hands together as if grabbing an imaginary person
Where’s my damn collection plate money boyyy!
I got off that damn mower and ran inside before anyone could see me cryin!.. Never again..
Good eggs.
THOMAS
GOBBLE! GOBBLE!
JAKE
Its chicken!
THOMAS
Fine, we’ll designate that a morally gray area.
JAKE
Don’t remember dad bein’ mad.. Just kinda.. I don’t know. Perplexed. Just said, “Jacob. its ok.”
THOMAS
I’s there.
JAKE
No you weren’t.
THOMAS
I’s always been there.
JAKE
...Guess so.
THOMAS
I’s there when you left summer camp early ‘cuz them big kids were pickin’ on you.
JAKE
Yeah.
THOMAS
There when you snuck outta’ Sunday school.
JAKE
Yep.
THOMAS
There when you nearly got kicked outta’ gym class for not jump ropin’.
JAKE
Damn Tom we got any good memories together?
THOMAS
Well there was that time in parking lot with CarolineJAKE
Shit you were there for that?!
THOMAS
No, but you told me all about it!
JAKE
Yeah.. well.. Who’s I supposed to tell?
THOMAS singing
When the road looks rough yooooonder!
JAKE
You gotta be so.. bellowing early in the morning?
THOMAS
Bet you wouldn’t say that to a rooster!
JAKE
Damn it Tom!
THOMAS takes out a cob pipe, fills it, lights it and takes a puff. Gently rocking away
THOMAS
H-hey Jake!
JAKE
Hmm?
THOMAS
I’m a baked turkey!
JAKE
Tom I told you. No one likes your jokes.
THOMAS
Hey the pastor liked that one joke
JAKE
The one that made him choke on potato salad?
THOMAS
Yesiree! ‘Cuz he was laughin’ so hard!
JAKE
No cuz we nearly gave him a heart attack.
THOMAS
Welp.. it was funny.
JAKE gets up pacing for a bit. THOMAS picks a bit
JAKE
I’m just thinkin’ bout winter. Bound to get cold.
THOMAS
Got blankets in the house.
JAKE
Yeh… Guess it's you an’ me.
THOMAS
Mhmmm.
JAKE
Better not hog the blankets!
THOMAS
I’m a turkey not a hog.
JAKE
Tom.. you’re plain unfunny.
THOMAS
GOBBLE! GOBBLE!
JAKE
Shh! You’ll stir up the Bobcats!
THOMAS
Bobcats!
Gunshot goes off
JAKE
Shit!
THOMAS
GOBBLE! GOBBLE!
TERRY (O.S)
Jaaaaake!
JAKE
Or worse! Shit! Gotta’ hide!
THOMAS
Up a tree!
JAKE
‘Member the last time?
TERRY (O.S)
Jaaaake!
JAKE
Shit! Shit! Shit! Uh! Uhm. Camouflage!
JAKE buries himself in some leaves and soil. Not very well
JAKE
Can you see me?
THOMAS
Not very well.
Another gunshot
THOMAS
Shit, I’m losing feathers and it ain’t even Thanksgivin’!
TERRY enters with a hunting shotgun. TERRY can’t see THOMAS
TERRY
Jake come on outta’ there.
JAKE doesn’t respond. Hoping she doesn’t see him. TERRY gives him a boot
JAKE
Ow! Jeez, Terry!
TERRY
Come on outta’ there!
JAKE
What’s with the gun?
TERRY
Thought I saw a bear!
JAKE
Why do you have a gun?
TERRY
Protection! Now come on, we gotta’ go.
TERRY heaves him up. JAKE breaks away
JAKE
Back from college.
TERRY
Yep. Now come on mom and dad are waiting.
THOMAS singing
I bid farewell to old Kentuckyyyy!
JAKE
Shh!
TERRY
Don’t shush me!
JAKE
Not you!
TERRY
Oh is HE here?
JAKE
Who?
TERRY
Where is he? I’ll blast him!
TERRY aims the gun a little close to THOMAS, shoots but misses. THOMAS curls up in the rocking chair
THOMAS
GOBBLE! GOBBLE!
JAKE
Shit! Terry!
TERRY
Sorry, haven’t done this in a little while. Not much huntin’ in college. Little trigger happy.
JAKE
No shit
JAKE sits back down in the other rocking chair
TERRY
Come on Jake. Ya gonna’ sit up here forever?
THOMAS
Can’t go back.
JAKE
Thinkin’ ‘bout it.
TERRY
Uncle Dodie’s gonna come up here for fishin’ season.
JAKE
He can bunk down and I’ll take the couch.
THOMAS
Once knew a fish named charlie. He got caught and said I’m hooked!
TERRY
Jake.
TERRY kneels beside JAKE
TERRY
Talk to me Jake.
THOMAS (singing)
I am a poor wayfarin’ stranger
JAKE looks over to THOMAS but says nothing
TERRY
Him again, ain’t it?
THOMAS
I got a name.
JAKE
Who?
THOMAS
Good Christian name too.
TERRY
Your imaginary friend since kindergarten. “Mom there goes Tom Turkey up a tree!”
THOMAS rubbing his head
Ouch!
TERRY
“It was Tom Turkey who took the cookies not me!”
THOMAS
You tried to frame me?
JAKE
Who?
TERRY
Jake!
JAKE
Can’t go back.
THOMAS singing
The place where heeee was born n’ raised.
JAKE puts his hands over his ears. TERRY gets up and backs away a bit. THOMAS begins to pick around on the banjo
TERRY
Missed the air up here. Nice bein’ away from people for a bit. Know there’s this really good pizza place right by campus serves slices this big! You oughta’ come next time you visit.
THOMAS
They got green pepper olive?
JAKE
They got green pepper olive?
TERRY
Well.. sometimes yea. They rotate slice specials.
THOMAS
I like to powder my pizza in parmesan!
JAKE
Got parmesan?
TERRY
And hot sauce!
THOMAS singing
Fire.. Fire on the mountain.
JAKE
Cool.
TERRY
Jake I..
JAKE
I failed my driver’s test.
TERRY
I heard.. And?
JAKE
I drove the car into a mailbox!
THOMAS
Special delivery!
TERRY
Shit, Jake.
JAKE
It was Ms. Spendly the driving instructor. She fuckin’ hates me. Kept slammin’ the training brakes sayin’ I’ll wear out the pads! And got on me ‘cuz I can’t parallel park! We’re in the fuckin’ middle of nowhere with one main street! Why do I need to know how to parallel park!? And my driving partner was the big guy named Cody and she just fuckin’ loved him, man why don’t they get married!
TERRY
Jake I failed my driver’s test twice!
JAKE
But it ain’t just that Terry THOMAS plays banjo softly… Its the algebraic formulas I needed drawn on the board over and over, it's that damn lawn mower I never learned how to ride, It's the bike I kept falling off of.. It's why I need to sit in a half empty pew in church ‘cuz bein’ surrounded by people just.. I just figure.. I ain’t got much of a use really. If I get so.. Jittery. Hell. Can’t drive. Can’t mow.
TERRY
Jittery.
JAKE
Mhm.
TERRY
Jake. I had to retake a logic test last semester, I got a C on a term paper and I chugged a coffee milkshake to cure a hangover of everclear mixed with Hawaiin punch. Happens to the best of us.
JAKE
Happens to me a lot too..
TERRY
Dumb-ass.
THOMAS singing
As I looked into the valleys down below.
TERRY
What’s he doin’ now?
JAKE
Who?
TERRY
Turkey boy.
JAKE
Singin’.
TERRY holding up the gun
I say I blast him!
THOMAS
GOBBLE! GOBBLE!
JAKE
No!
TERRY
Kiddin’.. Can’t see him yknow.
JAKE
I know..
THOMAS
What did the fly say to the spoon?
JAKE
I don’t know.
TERRY
Don’t know what?
THOMAS
What’s the scoop?
JAKE almost cracks up
TERRY
What’re you?
THOMAS
So the spoon says I’ll tell you if you tell me what’s buzzin’?
JAKE laughs a little bit
TERRY
Did you eat a Snickers?
JAKE
Do you know what the fly said to the spoon?
THOMAS
Don’t steal my material.
TERRY
Just gonna’ stay up here? Drop out? Not learn how to drive?
JAKE
Sounds good to me.
TERRY
Jake you’re fuckin’ 16.
JAKE
Wasn’t my fault.
TERRY
Wasn’t.. I don’t wanna’ know!
JAKE
Want some eggs?
THOMAS
They’re chicken!
TERRY
No thank you.
THOMAS singing
They were green just as far as I could see.
TERRY
I ain’t good at this. I’ve known you a while Jake. You’re my kid brother. Seen you through some crazy shit. Seen me in a lot of crazy shit. I don’t have to tell you what you’re good at cuz you’ll just spit at that, right? You can’t see past your screw ups and that goddamn imaginary turkey! Its ok to be “jittery”
JAKE
When everyone else ain’t?
TERRY
Everyone else is. Some way or another.. I bet nearly all the kids that get their license forget to parallel park. Remember Rusty? He planted his car into a ditch and threw his left Nike ‘cross the road.
JAKE
Yeah.
beat
TERRY
Hey. Remember those comics you used to draw?
JAKE
Aw
TERRY
Somethin’ about a rocket turtle and cat who controlled comets.
JAKE
Turtle-naut and Comet Meow.
TERRY
Yeah. Hey. Mom’d post them on the fridge.
JAKE
Yeah.
TERRY
And those dumb jokes.
JAKE
Well that’s mostly.. Nevermind.
TERRY
Why’d ya stop?
JAKE
Just got.. Busy.
TERRY
Uh huh. How’s Caroline? Usin’ protection?
THOMAS hits a sour note
JAKE
Damn sis!
THOMAS
Gotta’ wrap the turkey!
TERRY
Just sayin’. Busy covers a lot.
JAKE
We kinda’ stopped seein’ each other at the start of the year.
TERRY
Huh.
JAKE
Gonna’ ask why?
TERRY
Not if you don’t want me to ask.
JAKE
Thanks.
THOMAS singing
As my memory turned, how my heart did yearn.
TERRY points the gun US behind them
JAKE
What’re you doin’?
TERRY
Just imagining if there was a beer can in that tree.
JAKE
Beer doesn’t grow on trees.
TERRY
Tell that to the frat guys at my school.
JAKE
Never really thought about that.
TERRY
Didn’t you have a BB gun?
JAKE
Yep.
TERRY
Why didn’t you get a rifle?
JAKE
Was kinda’ loud and the kickback nearly knocked me over.
THOMAS
Ka-blooie!
TERRY
I see. (beat) Mom and Dad called up Counselor Bennett.
JAKE
I figured.They gonna’ spring me with a straight jacket?
TERRY
Don’t be so melodramatic! ‘Course not. Hey uh.. You ain’t been smokin’ have you?
JAKE
Naw. Makes me nauseous. Tom does though.. I mean I guess he.. Oh I don’t know.
THOMAS
Good enough for Willie, good enough for me COUGH!
TERRY
Jake you know you’re a lot stronger than you think.
JAKE
Right..
TERRY
Be awful lonely up here you know. All the time.
JAKE
No more lonely than down there.
TERRY
Mom and Dad’d miss ya.
JAKE
I’ll come down for holidays.
THOMAS
‘Cept Thanksgivin’
JAKE
‘Cept.. nevermind.
TERRY
An’ how’re you gonna’ support yourself?
JAKE
Well. Doug’s pharmacy is hiring.
TERRY
Bit of a walk from here. Not to mention when it snows.
JAKE
So what.
TERRY
You an’ Tom gonna’ split the check?
THOMAS
I’ll busk on the street.
JAKE
Glad you stopped by Terry.
TERRY
Jake.. like I said I ain’t too good at this.. I’m goin’ home. I’m gonna’ do a big load of laundry so that my clothes are actually clean and not just dorm room febreze’d. I’m gonna’ tell mom and dad everything’s good at school ‘cuz it is, for the most part. I ain’t gonna’ tell ‘em how I knocked a frat boy’s canine out and luckily he was too drunk to remember. I’d like it if you were around. Mom’s cooking up my favorite.. Beef stroganoff with mushrooms and BBQ sauce. Hell.. they may not even bring up the mailbox until tomorrow.. But hey. Maybe I can just run a plate up to you here.. Might be a little late though. I figure I’ll just leave you an’ Tom. But if you want a lift back just run a little bit to catch up to me. I’m parked pretty far down.
TERRY puts the gun down gently and gives JAKE a strong hug. Surprising him at first but he returns it. TERRY breaks away and picks up the gun. She’s about to leave when she stops and notices something on the ground. She bends down and picks up a sprig of mint.
TERRY
Hey lookatthat!
JAKE
Its mint.
TERRY
Be good for dad’s iced tea.
JAKE
Yeah, suppose.
TERRY
Bye Jake.
JAKE
Bye.
TERRY exits. JAKE looks back over at THOMAS. He somehow fell asleep rocking away in the chair. He begins to snore. JAKE sneaks to right next to him
JAKE
IT’S TURKEY SEASON!!
THOMAS startles awake
THOMAS
GOBBLE! GOBBLE! WHITE FLAG! WHITE FLAG! SOUND THE TRUMPET! Oooooh shit it's you..
JAKE
Fell asleep.
THOMAS
Yeah.. ain’t done that in a while.
JAKE
I know.
THOMAS
It's nice.. I dreamt.. I was in Floyd.. All these other musicians. Just jamming. Anyone could join in. One man played the jug. Another played a pot. A lady played the jaw harp.
JAKE looks off to where TERRY exited
THOMAS
Can’t go back.
JAKE
Yeah..
THOMAS
I don’t like that Counselor Bennett. He makes me dizzy and I have to sleep then too.
JAKE
Mhm.
JAKE walks closer to where TERRY exited
JAKE
Can’t go with me huh?
THOMAS
I suppose I’ll catch up.
JAKE
You always do.
THOMAS
Mmmhm.
JAKE
Tom?
THOMAS
Mhm?
JAKE
What’s the most musical part of a turkey?.. Drumstick.
THOMAS plays a “wah, wah, waaaaah” on the banjo
THOMAS
You’d best stick to drawin’.
JAKE
Yeah.
Beat. JAKE suddenly darts back in the cabin. Comes out with his backpack.
THOMAS
Enjoy the Stroganoff.
JAKE
Save you some if I can.
THOMAS
Be down there soon.
JAKE
I know.
THOMAS
Never too far behind.
JAKE
I know.
JAKE takes one step away. Stops. Then exits offstage
THOMAS singing
High on the mountain..
Lo wind blowin’ free..
Thinkin’ ‘bout the day that used to be
High on the mountain standin’ all alone
Wondering where the days of my life had flown…
END
