BURL 25, plump and aggressive
JOSH 23, a timid lion
REBECCA 30, cheerful and energetic
LISA 35, still waters run deep
HARRY 30, hot and knows it
PLACE
Empty Rehearsal Stage
TIME
Late April, 2020 – the onset of the Covid 19 Pandemic
NOTES:
I’ve wanted to write a tribute to J.B. Priestley’s classic play “Dangerous Corner” for years and its clever turn of plot and time. “Sleeping Dogs” shamelessly stands on the shoulders of Priestley’s masterpiece.
This short play is intended for educational purposes only, thus I’ve quoted “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper which is not in the public domain. Feel free to substitute any song.
Editor's Note: This play contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature. This is the original script, as shared by the author.
Copyright © 2020 Daniel Tobias
AT RISE: BURL advances slowly towards JOSH menacingly.
JOSH
Get away from me.
BURL
See what happens when you ask too many questions?
JOSH
Get away.
BURLY
You stirred the water. Should’ve let sleeping dogs lie.
JOSH
Not a step closer.
BURL
Don’t dig next time, ‘cause now it’s too late to put the lid back on.
JOSH
You’re mixing metaphors, you absolutely disgusting son of a bitch!
(BURL, having finally cornered JOSH against the wall, plants a big kiss on him. JOSH lets the kiss linger, then pushes BURL away and slaps him hard.)
BURL
Ouch! Damn that was hard! Is that the way you’re going to slap me every night?
JOSH
Fudge! Sorry! You’re supposed to turn your head!
BURL
I did!
JOSH
In rehearsal you turned your head that way!
BURL
In rehearsal you slapped with your left hand!
JOSH
Fudge! Sorry. Let’s do it again. I’ll do it right. I mean left. Right?
(REBECCA enters.)
REBECCA
Keep your distance.
BURL
Why?
REBECCA
(holds up cell phone)
My husband has the Corona Virus. He just texted me the results.
(LISA enters.)
LISA
Last Friday he wasn’t showing symptoms.
REBECCA
That was three days ago. This morning he could barely breath.
JOSH
Fudging fudge.
BURL
Seriously, Josh. Just say “fuck.”
JOSH
Fudge. I mean fuck. Fudge! Fuck!
BURL
He only has a couple scenes with me, so you should all be fine.
JOSH
But I just kissed you!
REBECCA
I have scenes with all of you, and I sleep with Harry.
JOSH
Fucking fudge!
LISA
Let’s not be hysterical. We’re adults. Let’s just take precautions.
(cast separates to perimeter of stage)
BURL
What does this do to the production?
LISA
No one knows yet. We may be forced to cancel anyway if the epidemic doesn’t go away.
REBECCA
I’ve got to be infected. I mean, just last night, Harry and I --
BURL
Got it.
REBECCA
I mean a lot.
BURL
Got it!
REBECCA
Somehow he could breath enough to do that.
BURL
Got it!
LISA
Rebecca, how are you feeling today?
REBECCA
Fat. But I hear Corona can help you lose five pounds. Lord knows I need to!
LISA
(terribly theatrical)
Ladies and gentlemen! Friends don’t let friends succumb to mass panic!
(the cast groans)
JOSH
Fucking fudge!
REBECCA
Seriously, I feel fine right now. But it takes two weeks to incubate, so…
(her cell phone rings)
Speaking of the devil!
(answers phone)
Hi, babe. I just told the cast.
BURL
(to LISA)
Where did you hear that mass panic joke?
LISA
I don’t know. I think Harry told it to me.
BURL
But you couldn’t have heard it from Harry.
JOSH
Why not?
BURL
Because --
REBECCA
We’re all going to sing Harry a song to cheer him up.
JOSH
Fudge. Fuck!
REBECCA
“Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you…”
LISA
(disdainfully)
Don’t you think the sound of our voices might compromise his immunity?
REBECCA
C’mon!
JOSH/LISA/BURL REBECCA (cont.)
(with no enthusiasm) (oblivious to the cast’s listlessness)
“Caught up in circles, Confusion is nothing new He’s humming!
Flashback, warm nights, Almost left behind,
Suitcase of memories, Time after…”
JOSH (cont.)
(stops the singing)
Stop.
REBECCA
What are you doing?
JOSH
(to BURL)
Sorry, but….Burl, why couldn’t Lisa have heard that mass panic joke from Harry?
LISA
Oh, who cares! Why do you care?
JOSH
I wouldn’t care…except it’s so interesting how much you don’t want us to care.
LISA
I told you! I think Harry told it to me.
BURL
But he couldn’t have told it to you. Harry made up that joke on Saturday…just two days ago…during the rehearsal with me. You haven’t seen him since Friday. Have you?
LISA
Of course not.
BURL
Then how did you know that joke?
LISA
Maybe I heard it from a comedian?
BURL
You phrased it exactly the way Harry did. There are a million ways to phrase that stupid joke, but you asked “How do we feel about succumbing to a moment of mass panic?” Exactly the way he did.
REBECCA
What’s this all about?
BURL
(to Lisa)
Did you spy on us?
(she shakes her head)
Did you spy on us during our rehearsal on Saturday?
LISA
Yes!
BURL
Did you see --
(The stage darkens. HARRY enters, pointing flashlight and gun into BURL’S eyes. HARRY and BURL are obviously rehearsing a scene.)
LISA & HARRY
I saw everything!
REBECCA
What was there to see?
LISA
More than just a rehearsal…
BURL
Who are you?!
HARRY
I saw you kissing the shoeshine man. In the hallway. Minutes before your testimony for the Committee to Protect Traditional Family Values. And I happen to have caught it all on camera.
BURL
Who are you?!
(HARRY shines the light on himself.)
Ah, shit.
HARRY
Repeat your testimony. I want to hear exactly how bad being gay is.
BURL
What?!
HARRY
(threatens with gun)
Word for word…exactly what you stated to the Committee to Protect Traditional Family values. Tell me how bad being gay is. Now!
BURL
I…I said…Ladies and Gentlemen….homosexuality is an abomination because…
(HARRY presses up against him)
Gay men molest children at far higher rates than heterosexuals.
(HARRY nuzzles against his neck)
Same-sex parents harm children.
(HARRY unbuttons his shirt)
Homosexual sex is a gateway toward bestiality and necrophilia.
(HARRY starts kissing his chest, moving south)
Um…Harry….this isn’t…this really isn’t in the blocking…
HARRY
It isn’t? It should be. Keep going.
BURL
Um….ah…okay…Allowing gay people to serve will damage the armed forces.
(HARRY starts to lick his naval)
Harry…stop…you’re married…and…there’s a pandemic…and …and…
HARRY
And what?
BURL
Look at you! Look at me!
HARRY
(unbuttoning his shirt)
Hmm hmm.
BURL
You’re gorgeous.
HARRY
Hmm hmm.
BURL
And I’m so…
HARRY
You’re what?
BURL
So fat.
HARRY
(terribly theatrical)
Ladies and gentlemen! Friends don’t let friends succumb to mass panic!
(BURL laughs in spite of himself.)
I think you’re so sexy, Burl. I have since day one. Keep going.
(HARRY kisses BURL’S neck)
BURL
(groaning)
You’re married…you’re straight…and…
HARRY
Keep saying your lines.
BURL
But…oh my god…um…Homosexuals have the option not to be gay. It’s a decision. Fuuuuudge!
(They kiss passionately. HARRY’S phone rings. As he talks, BURL kisses HARRY’s neck and neck and works his way down to his belt.)
HARRY
Hi, babe. We’re just rehearsing. Almost done. I’m feeling fine. I mean. Just the sniffles. It’s nothing. Just allergies. Rebecca, I’m not going to sing to you! Honey, we’re in the middle of a scene. How much did you drink tonight? Alright, alright. Just for a second.
HARRY (cont.)
“Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say, "go slow" And I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look and you will find me…”
(noise in the back of the theater)
BURL& REBECCA
Stop!
(BURL stops and peers into darkness)
BURL/HARRY
What was that noise?
BURL
I can’t see anything.
HARRY & REBECCA
I think you should stop.
BURL
You started this.
HARRY & REBECCA
No, I didn’t.
(fully back in the present time)
JOSH
Ohhhhh fuuuudge…
REBECCA
I’m really not surprised at all.
BURL
I didn’t mean for it to happen.
REBECCA
Harry needs attention. Doesn’t matter from whom. Like all straight men, he’s an opportunist. Don’t think you’re special, Burl.
BURL
I don’t. I don’t at all. That’s why when Harry came on to me…it took my breath away. And I couldn’t…I tried…to stop him…
REBECCA
You were powerless. I understand. I’m not going to hate you. You are about to get very sick, Burl. That’ll be punishment enough.
JOSH
You made out with Harry and then kissed me!
BURL
(hands him a tiny bottle of Purell)
My bad. Here.
REBECCA
(to LISA)
You were in the back of the theater witnessing all this?
LISA
Yes.
BURL
What were you doing there?
LISA
After you left, Burl, Harry was alone.
(flashback)
HARRY
(calling out to the back of the theater)
Who’s there?
LISA
Just me. Just Lisa.
HARRY
Did you see…
LISA
A lot. Saw a lot.
HARRY
Don’t tell Rebecca what you saw.
(she makes no sound)
Lisa, don’t say a word. Do I need to say please?
LISA
Do you have two thousand dollars in your backpack?
HARRY
No. Why?
LISA
I know you have two-thousand dollars in your backpack. I know you’re planning to give it to Josh. I read his texts when he was on stage this afternoon.
HARRY
Not give. Loan. It’s not your business.
LISA
It’s entirely my business.
(HARRY remains confused.)
He didn’t tell you why he needs it?
HARRY
He’s my best friend. I don’t need to know why. I trust him.
LISA
I’m pregnant.
HARRY
Oh.
LISA
Josh doesn’t want keep it.
HARRY
Oh.
LISA
I do.
HARRY
Oh?
LISA
I want you to tell him you don’t have the money.
HARRY
I can’t lie to Josh.
LISA
But you can lie to your wife? About Burl? And I know you borrowed the money from Rebecca, and I happen to she’s counting on that money to pay for a second honeymoon with you. Really, it’s the first. A weekend watching the Pittsburg Penguins play hockey doesn’t count.
HARRY
Rebecca likes hockey.
LISA
It doesn’t count.
HARRY
(flirtatiously)
Oooh...I like this side of you.
LISA
Don’t even try with me. You do nothing for me, Harry. You never have. I’ll never worship you the way every member of the cast does. So just stop. Rebecca loves you, and she’s a better woman than I could ever be if only because she’s willing to put up with all your shit. So start being grateful.
HARRY
I am grateful.
LISA
Funny how you show it.
HARRY
I actually do like Burl.
LISA
No you don’t. You like how Burl likes you. There’s a huge difference. It’s not fair to Burl. It’s not fair to Rebecca. And it’s not doing you any good either.
HARRY
Okay. Okay.
LISA
If you want me to stay quiet, get the money back into Rebecca’s bank account before you she knows it’s gone, and tell Josh you’re unable to get it.
HARRY
What money?
LISA
Exactly. Thank you.
HARRY
But Lisa…
LISA
What?
HARRY
Doesn’t Josh deserve a say?
LISA
No.
HARRY
If you go ahead with this baby, his life will change forever too.
LISA
No it won’t.
HARRY
But…
LISA
The baby isn’t his.
JOSH & HARRY
What?!
(back to present)
LISA
It’s not yours, Josh.
JOSH & HARRY
Whose is it?
JOSH (cont.)
(to HARRY)
I’ve got this!
(HARRY exits)
Whose is it?
LISA
Nobody you know. He’s definitely not an actor - he’s got money. A stable job. I mean, as stable as hedge funding gets. And he loves me.
JOSH
I love you!
LISA
And I like you a lot.
JOSH
Fuuuuudge.
LISA
I panicked at first and let you think it was yours. I knew you’d do whatever it took to help me fix it. But, that was wrong. And I apologize. I really do. I was out of my mind. But, Josh, I’m going to keep it. And I can’t trap you after one night of drunken…whatever that was after rehearsal.
JOSH
I want to be trapped.
LISA
You’ve got ten bucks: diapers or a six pack? Which do you buy?
JOSH
Oh, fucking fudge!
LISA
You’re not ready. You’re not supposed to be. You’re barely out of college. You’ve got a life in front of you. But I’m ready for the next stage. Alright?
JOSH
But do you love him?
(beat)
LISA
I don’t think that’s important. This is real life. Not theater. As hard as we try, nothing works itself out by the time the curtain falls. We just learn what we need to prioritize before it does. And what I need to prioritize is this.
(touches her belly)
Which is why I need to leave this theater right now. I can’t afford to get sick, and any one of you could be infected.
REBECCA
I’ve got to go home too. I get to watch Harry beg me to forgive him, so this’ll be a fun night.
BURL
Are you going to stay with him?
REBECCA
Am I going to stay with that slutty narcissistic unfaithful husband of mine?
LISA
Are you?
REBECCA
From the first day I walked down the aisle towards him I knew I should’ve turned around and walked the other way. But I kept on walking. And I said “I do.” And I thought I could make do. And for years we have. No. No, I have. I make do. Harry just…just continues to be Harry. But now? Maybe this is the final straw. Maybe, Burl, I need to thank you.
BURL
You do?
REBECCA
Maybe I’ll…I’ll finally turn around and walk the other way.
(LISA approaches her to hug her, but REBECCA motions for her to stop and maintain her distance.)
Or…or maybe I’ll forgive Harry, like I always do…and maybe the cycle will just go on and on and on…repeating itself over and over…until one of us finally learns our lesson.
(through clenched teeth)
Love is love is love is love is love…
(REBECCA exits.)
LISA
Josh…we’re good friends. We always will be.
JOSH
No. You won’t look back.
LISA
Be excited for me.
JOSH
I can’t.
LISA
You’ll meet someone. Trust me. And next time round, it’ll work out for you.
JOSH
There may not be another round. What if this is it?
LISA
You twenty-somethings always pretend there’s a cliff when there isn’t one. Josh, there’s always another round.
(LISA blows a kiss to JOSH and exits, leaving JOSH and BURL alone on the stage.)
BURL
It’s just you and me. Alone. Again. Want to rehearse our scene?
JOSH
The production’s over. It’s was probably going to be cancelled anyway with this Corona virus thing. I’m going home.
BURL
(advances slowly toward him)
But we never got that slap right…
JOSH
What’s the point now?
BURL
Because you decided to stick your nose where doesn’t belong.
JOSH
Get away from me.
BURL
See what happens when you ask too many questions?
JOSH
Get away.
BURL
You stirred the water. Should’ve let sleeping dogs lie.
JOSH
Not a step closer.
BURL
Don’t dig next time. ‘Cause now it’s too late to put the lid back on.
JOSH
You’re mixing metaphors, you absolutely disgusting son of a bitch!
(BURL, having finally cornered JOSH against the wall, plants a big kiss on him. JOSH lets the kiss linger, than pushes BURL away and slaps him hard.)
BURL
Ouch! Damn that was hard! Is that the way you’re going to slap me every night?
JOSH
Fudge! Sorry! You’re supposed to turn your head.
BURL
I did!
JOSH
In rehearsal you turned your head that way!
BURL
In rehearsal you slapped with your left hand!
JOSH
Fudge! Sorry. Let’s do it again. I’ll do it right. I mean left. Right?
(REBECCA enters.)
REBECCA
Keep your distance.
BURL
Why?
REBECCA
(holds up cell phone)
My husband has the Corona Virus. He just texted me the results.
(LISA enters)
LISA
Last Friday he wasn’t showing symptoms.
REBECCA
That was three days ago. This morning he could barely breath.
JOSH
Fudging fudge.
BURL
Seriously, Josh. Just say “fuck.”
JOSH
Fudge. I mean fuck. Fudge! Fuck!
BURL
He only has a couple scenes with me, so you should all be fine.
JOSH
But I just kissed you!
REBECCA
I have scenes with all of you, and I sleep with Harry.
JOSH
Fucking fudge!
LISA
Let’s not be hysterical. We’re adults. Let’s take precautions.
(the cast separates to the perimeter of stage)
BURL
What does this do to the production?
LISA
No one knows yet. We may be forced to cancel anyway if the epidemic doesn’t go away.
REBECCA
I’ve got to be infected. I mean, just last night, Harry and I –
BURL
Got it.
REBECCA
I mean a lot.
BURL
Got it!
REBECCA
Somehow he could breath enough to do that.
BURL
Got it!
LISA
Rebecca, how are you feeling today?
REBECCA
Fat. But I hear Corona can help you lose five pounds.
LISA
(terribly theatrical)
Ladies and gentlemen! Friends don’t let friends succumb to mass panic!
JOSH
Fucking fudge!
REBECCA
Seriously, I feel fine right now. But it takes two weeks to incubate, so…
(her cell phone rings)
Speaking of the devil!
(answers phone)
Hi, babe. I just told the cast.
BURL
(to LISA)
Where did you hear that mass panic joke?
LISA
I don’t know. I think Harry told it to me.
BURL
But you couldn’t have heard it from Harry.
LISA
Maybe a comedian? Who cares?
JOSH
I don’t.
REBECCA
We’re all going to sing Harry a song to cheer him up.
JOSH
Fudge. Fuck!
REBECCA
“Sometimes you picture me I'm walking too far ahead…”
LISA
(disdainfully)
Don’t you think the sound of our voices might compromise his immunity?
REBECCA
C’mon!
ENTIRE CAST
(with no enthusiasm)
“You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say, "go slow" and I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting
Time after time…”
SLOW CURTAIN
