Editor's Note: This is the original script, as shared by the author.
An empty theatre. It's dark, except for the ghost light. LEXY and AMY enter tentatively.
LEXY
What's that light?
AMY
That's the ghost light. They leave one on in every theater. It's so... ghosts can see, or something.
LEXY
I'm glad they can see. I can't see a thing.
AMY
It's okay, I know my way around this-- (she runs into something) -- dammit!
LEXY
So where is it?
AMY
Women's Dressing Room. This way.
LEXY
I can't see my own hand. So saying "this way" isn't very--
AMY
Just grab my hand. And watch out for--
Lexy bangs her knee on the same something that Amy ran into.
LEXY
Ow.
AMY
--the thingy. Come on. (Old timey spooky voice) Walk this way!
LEXY
Do you think it's still there?
AMY
I know it's still there. I left it at my spot. My whole make-up kit. I always have a bottle of hand sanitizer in there. They cancelled the production so suddenly I didn't have a chance to go get it.
LEXY
Probably the last bottle in the city.
AMY
I know. I don't know whether to use it or sell it to the highest bidder.
LEXY
Use it! Money's no good if you get Corona'd.
AMY
I know, I know. It's through here.
They exit through another door, presumable to the dressing rooms. KATE and WILL enter. They are dressed in casual clothes...the casual clothes of 1606.
KATE
I'm afear'd.
WILL
And well you should be! This theatre is o'errun with ghosts.
KATE
Ghosts!
WILL
I have seen them not. But there are stories... spirits that walk the boards when all are gone... performing for an audience that only they can see.
KATE
Hold me!
Exactly the effect he was looking for. He throws his arm around her.
WILL
But you are completely safe with me.
KATE
Peace! Break thee off! Look where they come!
Lexy and Amy re-enter, with Amy carrying a large theatrical makeup case. Kate and Will move fearfully into the darkness.
LEXY
Bring it over to the light, maybe it--
AMY
I'm telling you it's not here!
Nonetheless she moves toward the ghost light.
AMY (CONT'D)
It's a huge bottle, I'd know if it was here...
LEXY
Who would break into a theater to steal a bottle of hand sanitizer?
Amy gives her a look.
LEXY (CONT'D)
I mean, besides us. But we're not stealing it, it's yours. This is so unfair.
AMY
What are we going to do, put out an APB? Be on the lookout for a criminal. He is considered to be armed and extremely disinfected. Hey!
AMY pulls a bottle from underneath a bunch of stage makeup.
AMY (CONT'D)
Oh my God, here it is!
Kate and Will loom out of the darkness.
WILL
What art thou, that usurp'st this time of the night--?
Lexy and Amy scream. Kate and Will scream. A moment of mass panic and then--
AMY
Who are you?!
WILL
Who art thou?
KATE
Who goes there?
LEXY
Man, you scared the crap out of us!
KATE
Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd?
AMY
It's okay, I think they're from the other production that got cancelled.
WILL
By heaven I charge thee speak!
LEXY
We just came back to get her stuff.
WILL
These are the very spirits I told you of.
LEXY
What?
AMY
This is mine, you can't have any.
LEXY
They came here for your hand sanitizer. Unbelievable.
AMY
Sorry, pal, you have to get your own. This is ours.
WILL
What strange elixir is this?
LEXY
Don't you know...?
Kate and Will come a little closer.
KATE
I have never seen the like.
AMY
Um... Lexy...
LEXY
Who are you guys?
WILL
I am Will. This is my theater.
AMY
Will. He said Will. He's--
LEXY
Look at their clothes.
KATE
Look at your clothes.
LEXY
Hey, I got this on sale.
KATE
You did? Where? It's so hard to find decent--
WILL
What are you doing here? This theater is closed.
AMY
Um... I left something here... accidentally.
LEXY
She an actor here!
WILL
She is? I think not.
AMY
Why not? I went to Juilliard!
WILL
You're a woman. Women can't do theatre. It's unbecoming.
LEXY
Oh, Christ. It's one of those men's movement dudes.
AMY
I don't think so. I think-- Um... just out of curiousity... why is this theater closed?
WILL
You know!
AMY
Just tell me.
KATE
Tis the pestilence.
WILL
The vile disease.
KATE
The Black Death.
WILL
The Great Infection.
KATE
Y'know--
WILL
The plague.
LEXY
Yeah. We know. That's why her production got cancelled too.
AMY
Um... I don't think they mean the Coronavirus.
WILL
The what?
KATE
The who?
AMY
They mean... the plague. The real plague.
LEXY
Oh. Oh.
AMY
And he's William Shakespeare.
WILL
You know me?
LEXY
We've...um... heard of you.
Amy goes to shake his hand. Lexy stops her.
LEXY (CONT'D)
What are you doing? He could have the plague!
AMY
No, Shakespeare did not die of the plague. Her, on the other hand, I wouldn't touch.
KATE
Why you little trollop!
WILL
Be ye soothsayers? Tell me more!
AMY
Haha... no... just... I get these hunches... premonitions. But I have to say, it's an honor to meet you, Sir. Big fan. Huge, huge fan.
KATE
(pulling out a small collapsible fan) I only have this smallish one...
AMY
No... oh, honey.
LEXY
So you're saying he's...
AMY
Uh huh.
LEXY
But how... why... ?
AMY
Many things can happen in a theater when the Ghost Light is lit.
WILL
You may not be a sooth sayer, but you say the sooth. Oh, I should write that down.
AMY
Hey... may I just... take your hand?
WILL
My hand? But why--?
AMY
I just want to thank you. You've been... (pointing to the ghost light)... a light in the darkness.
She takes his hand in hers.
AMY (CONT'D)
Thanks for everything.
She does a brief little dance with him.
KATE
Hey! Strumpet!
LEXY
What are you doing?
AMY
Sorry, I can't resist. I mean, when shall we three meet again?
WILL
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
KATE
Four. There are four of--
WILL
Wait, that's good. I've got to write that down. A pen! My kingdom for a pen.
LEXY
Oh I've got one.
She hands him a modern ballpoint pen. Will looks at it like he's never seen one before, which he hasn't.
LEXY (CONT'D)
You just click the button at the top, and the point comes out.
Will clicks it a few times.
WILL
O brave new world, that has such wonders in it!
LEXY
Yeah, there are...pens now.
WILL
Thank you.
AMY
Wait... I want to give you something.
LEXY
Amy... no! We need it!
AMY
They need it more.
Lexy gives her a pleading look. Amy does a "balancing scales" gesture.
AMY
Plague, Coronavirus.
LEXY
Oh alright.
AMY
Okay. Um. Will. May I call you Will?
WILL
'Tis my name.
AMY
(squeaking it) I get to call him Will! (then, handing him the bottle of hand-sanitizer) Here... this is a... potion... kind of a magic potion. You press down on this and put a little bit on your hand.
She puts some on his hand.
AMY (CONT'D)
Just a bit. Don't use too much, because you won't be able to get any more for another 400 years or so.
She squirts some on Kate's hand too.
AMY
Rub it all over your hands. There... now any pestilence... any plague... is gone.
WILL
Banished?
LEXY
Dead.
AMY
This will protect you.
KATE
Look whereupon it vanishes by itself!
WILL
It's magic.
KATE
I now regret calling you trollop and a strumpet.
AMY
Don't worry about it.
LEXY
And wash your hands. A lot.
AMY
And practice social distancing.
LEXY
Maybe work from home for a bit.
WILL
How can I ever repay you?
AMY
How about you put me in one of your plays?
WILL
Certainly! What's your name?
AMY
...Desdemona.
WILL
Hmm... yes... I can work with that.
Kate and Will exit.
LEXY
Why did you say that?
AMY
Come on, would Othello really date an "Amy"?
END OF PLAY
