NOTE: This is the original script, as shared by the author.
ETHAN
How's Ashley?
BRENT
She's really good. How's Chrissie?
ETHAN
Great.
BRENT
And how about Sean, huh?
ETHAN
It's about time.
BRENT
He's bringing her tonight right?
ETHAN
That's what he said.
BRENT
What do you think she's like?
ETHAN
I don't know, a dude like Sean...I'm not expecting much. SEAN enters. He is alone.
SEAN
Hey guys! Sorry I'm late. Sarah took forever to get ready.
BRENT
That's her name? Sarah?
SEAN
Yep.
ETHAN
So where is she?
SEAN
Sorry, how rude of me. Guys, this is Sarah.
ETHAN
Um...where?
SEAN
Right here, idiot! Here, babe, sit down.
SEAN pulls out a chair
So what's good here? (To the empty chair) What are you in the mood for, baby cakes?
ETHAN
Hey, Sean...
SEAN
Yeah?
ETHAN
Is everything, um, okay?
SEAN
Never better! (Placing a menu in front of the empty chair) Here, snookums, you order whatever you want.
BRENT
So where did you and...I'm sorry, what did you say her name was?
SEAN
Sarah.
BRENT
Right. Sarah. Where did you and Sarah meet?
SEAN
(Leaning in towards the empty chair) What? No, he always dresses like that. (Laughing) I know!
ETHAN
Is this, like, one of your little jokes or something?
BRENT
Sarah's being awfully quiet.
SEAN
She's just shy around new people.
ETHAN
Hey, there's no reason to be shy around us.
BRENT
Yeah, we're nice! So, Sarah, where did you and Sean meet?
SEAN
We met at...
BRENT
I want Sarah to answer.
SEAN
(Leaning toward the empty chair) What, sweetie cakes? Okay. Yeah, I understand. Sarah says you're coming on too strong. You're intimidating her.
BRENT
Since when are we intimidating?
ETHAN
I've never intimidated anyone in my life.
BRENT
Dog sh#t wouldn't be intimidated by us.
SEAN
She'd like you to back off. She says you both look mentally disturbed.
ETHAN
She said we look mentally disturbed?
SEAN
Yes.
ETHAN
What are you...
BRENT
Look, whatever, play make believe if you want. I'm gonna order.
ETHAN
Hold on, I want to hear what else she said about us!
SEAN
Before I forget, I can't go disc golfing tomorrow. It's our two-week anniversary.
BRENT
Oh really? So what are you guys doing?
SEAN
I can't tell you in front of Sarah. It's a surprise.
BRENT
I see...
SEAN
So, guys, where are your girlfriends?
BRENT
Ashley had to visit her grandparents. I think one of them is about to die.
ETHAN
Chrissie's getting her nails done or something.
SEAN
Sarah got her nails done the other day.
BRENT
That's fascinating.
SEAN
(To the empty chair) Alright, cupcake, the bathroom is right back there. Allow me. He gets up and pulls out the empty chair.
So, what do you think? Do you like her?
ETHAN
Well...um...
BRENT
I'm not sure how we're supposed to...
SEAN
Come on guys, you can be honest.
ETHAN
Well, she seems...
BRENT
Interesting.
SEAN
You don't like her, do you?
ETHAN
How are we supposed to...
SEAN
I don't believe this. My two best friends and you can't even try to like my girlfriend. I guess I should have expected this.
BRENT
What does that mean?
SEAN
You're always so self-absorbed. I think you're just jealous.
BRENT
Jealous? Of what exactly?
SEAN
That I have an amazing girl like Sarah and you two are stuck with a vapid whiner and an alcoholic.
ETHAN
Alright, that's it...
BRENT
Hold on, before we beat his ass...which one is the whiner and which is the alcoholic?
ETHAN
Well obviously Ashley is the alcoholic.
BRENT
Why the hell would you say that? Why can't Chrissie be the whiner?
ETHAN
Oh, please. We've all seen how she drinks.
BRENT
Whatever, this is stupid. There's nothing wrong with either of our girlfriends. Let's just ignore him.
SEAN
Welcome back, muffin! I missed you so much.
ETHAN
You seen the new Star Trek movie yet?
BRENT
No, I'm trying to get Ashley to go see it with me.
ETHAN
Chrissie doesn't want to go either.
SEAN
Sarah and I saw it the other day.
ETHAN
I heard the visuals are awesome.
SEAN
Sarah didn't really care for them.
ETHAN
I want to go see that new 3D one.
BRENT
Yeah that looks intense.
SEAN
Sarah can't watch 3D movies, they make her nauseous.
BRENT
Oh, I forgot to tell you. The other day, Ashley and I are at that new café down the street, right? And this guy at the next table keeps gawking at her...
SEAN
Lots of guys gawk at Sarah.
BRENT
So she gets up and goes over to him and says "can my boyfriend and I help you?"
SEAN
Sarah does things like that all the time! Just the other day...
ETHAN
Hey look they have those cheese stick things here.
SEAN
Sarah can't eat cheese. She's lactose intolerant.
ETHAN
Is she? Is she really, Sean?
BRENT
Ethan...
ETHAN
No, Brent, I'd like to hear all about Sarah and her digestive problems.
SEAN
What's that, sugar bun? Okay, cookie, you don't have to. Sarah doesn't want to talk about her digestive problems.
ETHAN
Why don't you tell us about them then?
SEAN
Sarah doesn't like it when I discuss her digestive problems in public.
ETHAN
Why? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Hey, I know, let's all tell one embarrassing thing about our girlfriends.
BRENT
Ethan, come on...
ETHAN
I'll start. Chrissie gets zits all over her back.
SEAN
Sarah never gets zits anywhere.
ETHAN
Alright, Brent. Your turn.
BRENT
Um, I don't really...
ETHAN
Come on, we're helping out our buddy here!
BRENT
Well, sometimes her armpits smell funny.
ETHAN
See? Brent's girlfriend has diseased armpits. No big deal.
BRENT
I didn't say they're diseased.
ETHAN
Whatever, you said they smell. So, Sean...
BRENT
No, hold on, stop putting words in my mouth. I said sometimes they just smell a little funny, that's all.
ETHAN
Hey, no judgment buddy. We all have our cross to bear.
BRENT
And what about your girlfriend? The whiner with chronic backne.
ETHAN
Hey! I'd rather date a pimpled whiner than an alcoholic.
SEAN
Sarah's armpits smell like a bed of roses.
BRENT
You know they have ointments she could try.
SEAN
Sarah has never needed ointment.
ETHAN
Yeah, well, while I'm out buying ointment maybe you should get yourself to a clinic. There's no telling what you picked up from that girl.
SEAN
Sarah has never had a venereal disease.
BRENT
And while I'm at the clinic you should do something about those outfits you wear.
ETHAN
Hey you're the one with the bad fashion sense. Sarah said so.
BRENT
She was talking about you!
ETHAN
Oh, please, she was obviously talking about you!
SEAN
Sarah has impeccable fashion sense.
BRENT
How do you even have a girlfriend? I think you bought her off Craigslist.
SEAN
Bed of roses...is that cliché? Sarah thinks I use too many clichés.
BRENT
So how much does she cost?
SEAN
Sarah has never used a cliché.
ETHAN
That's it, I'm out of here.
BRENT
Hey wait, you're my ride home!
ETHAN
Up yours.
SEAN
So, sweetie cakes, what looks good?
End of play.
