Yeah. Yeah I do... I do feel old. I do w...

Yeah. Yeah I do... I do feel old. I do wear black.

Sometimes I don’t. You know. Sometimes I feel young! Too young almost. Like, you know when you’re outside? In the world, and you feel like a baby still? Like you have all of these lessons that you’ve learned and these patterns that you’ve drawn but sometimes, the pattern doesn’t work anymore! You know? You get some—other equation you’ve never seen. And you have to start all over again. And you’re a baby again.

I don’t know... it’s hard to just... let go and... Like, when I was a kid, I used to get laughed at and beaten up and pushed into a corner—constantly— until one day my brothers locked me in a closet...

And they left me in there for hours, like, laughing at me and watching tv— this dark closet— and at first I kicked and cried and beat at the door—until I was about to explode! Like my lungs were gonna pop!—I kicked and cried and beat it up until I got tired, and then I got scared, because it was dark, too, and quiet now, but when it was time to scream again, because I had all my air back, I thought, ‘why? Like what’s the point?’

So I just stood there for a while. And then I wasn’t scared. I had myself, you know. And that was all I needed. Like when you were up here! I saw it while you sang your song.

...So I’m in there, and it’s completely dark, and I hear my brothers calling my name, trying to get me to say something or beat at the door again, and I was like, ‘nope. Not today. I’m fine.’ And they get all worked up and then angry, like I had done something to them! So they come over—And then—... and then they came to the door and listened for a while—... and they turned the knob like I was a ghost or something, and I came out— and I came out calmly, like—totally straight faced, and I said—I said... sorry—

Oh my god I’m so sorry—my contact is coming out of my eye right now. Oh my god this is so awkward! holy sh#t...f#ck.

She closes her eyes tight.

‘I don’t love you and I will never love you again.’

She opens them.

There it is. Phew!

Pause

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